Gibberish

The act of externalizing requires internalizing as I see it, at least as it relates to expression. An authentic message exists before it is sent. And so writing to others, is especially in this context, my truest act of self-exploration.

Today I am heartbroken. Sad at the loss of someone close to me. The inability to find a way to interact in a situation when contact is everything. It’s only through my contact with my environment that I feel my existence. And only through contact with other points of consciousness that I feel its context.

I have good intentions but years of ingrained behaviors. I participate, but still yearn for the chance to step out, put down the load of understanding, and hold still, as it were, in a system whose entire nature is based on motion.

I have made choices which go against my nature. I have seen the value of coordination in the existence of all structure - their nature a coordination of their parts. I see this in structure both physical, emotional, social, political, astrological...

I know that joy is not a defensible position. I know that ease is not the state in which we are to constantly operate. I accept that oscillation between states is the universality of the universe. That my life and my choices are granular instantiations of the basic oscillations that led to me. My lifestyle is a polyrhythm of my matter and my soul, and my ability to cooperate with others - people in this case - is the difference between locking into groove with the band and banging out notes on my own.

Synergy. When you notice it, you’re already there. In an experience that is only credible as an experience, awareness is place. To know of what is, is to be among those things. To realize injustice is to have it there in your world, salient and addressable.

So there you stumble on knowledge, hoping for one thing, finding another, gaining one solution only to realize it opens into an entire realm of unnoticed problems. Hallways that are really doors, but only when you notice their locks.

I am heartbroken, sad and teary. Feeling the loss of structure in my social order. Feeling the burden of choice that I am closer to the beat of a pulse that thumps on me as I jostle against it.

Today is a day to see past the smoke. If an end means a new beginning, then what really must happen is change. The motivations to clarify what wasn’t working, to conflict with peaceful denial, means that I now must not deny the reality I’ve uncovered. Underneath the instability was error. Error that can be dealt with.

Shame is a poor resource for the open hearted. Sensitivity demands respect. Certain things simply cannot be accepted in detail. Too much information is too much.

Every time a thing branches, old branches become roots for new ones. New branches become petals for old branches, and new petals form roots for other petals. This is the reality of what I face. At what point do you address the branch, or the root? How grounded does a thing need to be to take flight? How far can a thing fly without losing touch with the ground?

Gibberish is a distraction and yet verbalizing is the state of internalizing thought. WIthin the chaos is a pattern - more than one - infinity. Today’s pattern is sadness, heartache, a desire to exhaust the smoking pattern of loss.

Tomorrow will be something else. Better or worse. I am your unnoticed pattern. I am your hope and my activity. Now go and act with discretion.